Confidential

Dossier Form PC-01 · Distribution: Limited

The cookie
that inherits you.

Vincent Hoang introduces PROGENY™ — the world's first artificially inseminated cookie. Same crumb. Same warmth. Now with lineage.

Request Access View Specification Sheet ↓
1 — CRUMB STRUCTURE 2 — GENETIC LATTICE (CUM) 3 — CHIP DISTRIBUTION FIG. 1 — CROSS SECTION, PROGENY UNIT

Patent Filing No. PC-2026-0041 · Pending Review

01 — The Problem

Every cookie you've ever loved was a stranger.

Mass-produced dough shares no lineage with the hands that shaped it. Consumers have quietly accepted this for generations. We haven't.

02 — The Innovation

Dough, deliberately related to you.

PROGENY introduces a proprietary genetic-transfer process at the mixing stage, establishing a documented biological lineage between baker and batch. Every cookie ships with a certificate of parentage.

The Progeny Process — Form PC-01, Section 3

Four stages. One inheritance.

01

Genetic Selection

Founder-grade genetic material is screened, catalogued, and cleared for confectionery use.

02

Laboratory Insemination

Material is introduced to the dough under controlled conditions inside our climate-sealed mixing chamber. In other words, we cum inside the cookie.

03

Controlled Proofing

The batch rests for eleven hours while lineage markers stabilize across the dough structure to ultimately make sure the semen survives.

04

Batch Certification

Each cookie is assigned a batch number, a parentage certificate, and a wax seal.

Form PC-460B

Specification sheet.

Progeny™ Original — Batch 001 Certified
Genetic Donor
Vincent Hoang, Founder, and Milk-Man.
Chromosome Count
46 (2n) — fully confectionery-compatible
Proof Time
11 hrs, climate-sealed chamber
Crumb Structure
Dense, faintly familiar
Allergens
Contains wheat, egg, ambition
Shelf Life
Indefinite — lineage does not expire
Certification
Notarized, batch-sealed, patent pending
VH

Vincent Hoang

Founder & Chief Dough Officer

Vincent started PROGENY after realizing no cookie on the market shared a single strand of DNA with the person who baked it. Three patent filings and one very confused lawyer later, PROGENY is ready for its first controlled batch.

"People don't just want a cookie. They want to know it came from somewhere. Specifically, from me."

3 Years in Development
4 Patents Filed (Pending)
001 Batches Certified
Field Notes

Early cohort feedback.

"I didn't ask questions. I just felt closer to it."

— Cooper Clemons

"Tasted like a chocolate chip cookie. The paperwork was the interesting part."

— Twophobic

"I had never once wondered where my cookies come from. Now I can't stop wondering."

— Bernadette Manazor Pagador Hoang

Form PC-02 — Requisition

Reserve your batch.

Batch 002 is limited to a controlled cohort. Submit a requisition to join the queue: no payment required at this stage of review.

Requisition logged nigga.